| I believe that Xanga is dead. Well, maybe not dead but on life support. And I wish it wasn't so... -chad |
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| Through the years, online posting has been my way of sending out an indiscreet message to people even though I know that they will never even get it. Its kind of hard to express the things you are feeling/thinking when you are talking to people because you are unable to actually ponder on ideas and read back over them; they just come out. I mainly use xanga (even though this will be imported to facebook) as a journal when I write in it because I hope that maybe someone else out there may read it and feel the same or had felt the same and encourage me. I only write this preface to tell you that what will follow will be my life right now. It will be how I am feeling with nothing held back whether it makes me look pathetic, cocky, self-indulging, etc. So I present to you my thoughts. One's life, it seems, is a secret in these days with no one really discussing the complete truth of their feelings or emotions. Bottling things up inside, until we either go insane or block people or events or things out of our lives and become numb to them, is how we live. I am a guy. I live everyday wondering what greater purpose I will serve that day. I want to do God's will but at the end of the day I look back and realize that I didn't and it hurts. I lie in bed every night thinking and praying that the next day will be the day I become totally and utterly submissive to my God. After I think of that, I fall asleep to a fantasy world in my head in which I am the hero and everything is easy and falls into place. I imagine a world where my heart doesn't ache and my life is easy. I recognize beautiful girls at school and everywhere else but I do not have enough "balls" to say anything to them. My confidence is very low for some reason with people I don't know and it causes me to miss out on making new friends. I have had opportunities to date great women in my life and I have. The past couple of years have not been so easy though. It's hard to open up, its hard to trust, and its just plain hard to love. It sucks so bad to miss someone for so long and try and hide that you're ok. I've made the same mistakes over and over again in my relationships and they end. I want to love again but sometimes the pain of being hurt clouds the view. I am driving on the highway of life going through some thick fog in which I can't see in front of me but instead of taking a chance and driving on, i have stopped because i'm scared. I'm scared beacause I was already in several accidents on this highway of life and its hard to expose yourself out there and risk hurting yourself again. I sometimes tend not to try as much as I can because if I fail and can't do something it will drive me crazy. I have an obsessive compulsive disorder on certain things like papers being flush on the corners when you staple them. I hate it when people are rude and irrational. I also hate it when people abuse others emotionally. I hate that I would rather type my feelings on a computer then to tell someone because 99% of people think your pathetic or crazy unless they are going through the same thing. These are my thoughts at this stage of my life. -Chad |
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| I Think you can do much better than me
After all the lies that I made you believe
Guilt kicks in and I start to see
The edge of the bed
Where your nightgown used to be
I told myself I won't miss you
But I remembered
What it feels like beside you
I really miss your hair in my face
And the way your innocence tastes
And I think you should know this
You deserve much better than me
While looking through your old box of notes
I found those pictures I took
The bed I'm lying in is getting colder
Wish I never would've said it's over
And I can't pretend that I won't think about you when I'm older
Cause we never really had our closure
This can't be the end
I really miss your hair in my face
And the way your innocence tastes
And I think you should know this
You deserve much better than me -Hinder "Better Than Me" Good Song, -Chad
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| And I don't know where to look
My words just break and melt
Please just save me from this darkness
-Snow Patrol "Make This Go On Forever" |
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